Spider-Man: Workers CompOn October 17, 2019 by Raul Dinwiddie
Woah Woah! I’m gonna fall! And all because of my unsafe working conditions… and short break times, how ever will I pay my medical bills! Woah!
*Pew* Huh! Woo! Hey, you alright? Woah, Spiderman! Looked like you where about to take a nasty fall there. Almost kind of on purpose. Maybe don’t stand so close to the edge alright? Definitely. Yeah. I’ll do- I won- no. Oop! Don’t wanna forget this. Otherwise falling to your death might hurt a little bit. Maybe I should get one for these for myself, might come in handy, huh? *Grunting* What? Wait what!? ♫Epic Notes♫
What is happening right now? Grrrr. I thought you left! Yeah, I thought so too, this normally works the first time, let’s try again. Nooooooo! I want workers comp! What!? If I get hurt on the job, they’ll pay me. They’ll do that if you don’t jump off the building. Yeah, but not as much. This will kill you. We’re twenty stories up. On a scale from a sprained ankle to a pancake, you will make one convincing breakfast. I could make this, come on. Based on what, experience? Get back up here, come on. Nooooooooo…. What is wrong with you? I don’t like working here, it’s hot, and I’m afraid of heights. Then just- Get another job. I’m not good at interviews. Okay, look I- there are sirens, and things happening, I have to go. Just stay on the roof, okay? Please. If you need to take an elevator, that’s fine, maybe the stairs? Get a work out. Whatever you have to do. Just, okay? Yeah alright. I know you’re disappointed, I am sorry. I mean you really shouldn’t be, but you know, maybe just sit down and take a break, cool off a bit, I’ll check in later. Oh you have gotta be kidding me! ♫Epic Music♫
Really Man! ♫Epic Music♫ *muffled by concrete*
Oh yeah! Workers comp! You know there are millions of people in this city who are potentially in danger at any given moment, right? Danger they probably don’t wanna be in. Yeah, you should go, don’t- don’t stick around on my account. You have to promise to stop trying to hurt yourself. Now that you mention it, I don’t really feel like I’ve experienced bodily harm due to negligence. I should probably jump again. It doesn’t have to be so dramatic. Okay? Nobody can pay you if you’re dead, just fake a limp or something. I guess that might work. Just stay off the roof, and see a psychiatrist like as soon as possible. *Spidey Senses* This is way better.
*Web Pew* *Car Horn*
Woah! You are certifiably insane. All I want is a workplace injury and it’s not happening. Really? That’s it? And then you’ll stop? Yes! *Pow!* Happy? Yup. ♫News Tune♫ Of course. Tadda. ♫Living Forever♫