Sonic Begins and Back Together | Hedgehog for HireOn March 2, 2020 by Raul Dinwiddie
How are you so relaxed right now? Eggman and his Insano daughter are hell-bent on becoming the most powerful characters in the universe They busted up your apartment and they punted Soniqua into outer fucking space! Meh, I’ve decided to just enjoy the ride. Come on let’s go to Burger Time and fuck with Knuckles. Ok, fine. Oh, fuck you tails! You never- wait really? Yeah, what the hell? Besides there’s no way that incompetent shitbag Eggman can take over the world even with Eggette. (Intimidating music) (Typing noise) -Morty!
-I’m not Earthworm Jim! Yeah, you keep saying that and I don’t care. Listen I have a special job for you. Uh yeah did Eggman flush undies again? Okay, I’m gonna need rubber gloves some salad tongs and a brand new toilet. What? No. Well, actually I might have you do that But first I need you to write some code that gives me and my dad super powers in any game when we enter. Um, what if I have no idea how to do that? Ah, cool cool. Yes, I will just google it. (muttering) Type type type type! Ah, Quick question have either of you seen any of my emergency toilets? (Eggman farting) Citizens of Ignasium, bow down to your new leaders! Actually, I’m the king of Ignasium and you’re the Lard-on with the hard-on Uh I think you mean tubby with the chubby Oh, yes. That’s right (laughs) I’ve taken a bullet to the head from your idiot friend Defeated the Generalissimo Lioness and his army of yellow dog soldiers Well then they became the yellow Pig soldiers, actually funny story- Faster. Ah yes, Well, anyway after all of that, why would you think I would just give up my kingdom to the likes of you And your absolutely ravishing I’m assuming daught- (Gunshot) Hey, good for you Dad. One step closer to becoming a respectable psychopath. That’s right. The Egg Meister is back! (Eggman farting) Um yeah well I flirted back then too, whatever let’s take over the universe. w-w-wait! I have Fireball shots! Uh, alone again on a Friday night. I claim Donkey Kong Land now under Eggman rule! (flirty) Oh no! As ruler I can only assume your first act is to ravage me! Ah, I’m good thanks. Go go go go go! You see a lot of people don’t know that Huey Lewis and the News was originally called Huey Lewis and the American Express But the manager- Oh my god shut the fuck up! What is this obsession with Huey Lewis and the News! Seriously dude, Just say the thing you always say. Fryin’ and Buyin’! Fryin’ and Buyin’! You know that saying doesn’t make any sense right? You’re frying and selling food, you’re not buying food. Huey Lewis played a helicopter pilot in the 1998 film Sphere Greetings! Eggman here Now some of you might be wondering where I’ve been all these years. Where did that TV come from? Oh yeah, it pops up whenever a super villain has to spread a message to a mass audience. I’ll tell you where I’ve been, I’ve wasted too much time with that worthless lazy asshole, Sonic But now I’m back to my old tricks and taking over the world! And Sonic if you happen to be listening. Oh, I’m listening all right and I’m gonna kick your fat, stupid, annoying, dumb, piece of shit motherfucking- Alright, alright. You can stop swearing at the screen now. That’s right, I can’t hear you but I knew you were doing that. Now you’re taking a hit of crack. -No, I wasn’t.
-Yeah huh. How am I doing this you ask? I spent years and years hanging out with you So now I know your every move and you’ll never be able to stop me! TAILS AND EGGMAN: Bullshit! See? I know your moves too Tails and I’ve already taken over half the video game universe! SONIC AND EGGMAN: Double fuckballs sandwich! Ha! I can do this forever- No, wait, don’t shoot the screen! (Gunshot)
(TV glass shattering) What’s the best Huey Lewis album? Let’s start with domestic album sales- (Sonic yelling)
(Rapid gunfire) ABADEDE: What the hell do you what with us you evil bitch? BIG BEN: Hey show a little respect. Just because she’s strong-willed and knows what she wants doesn’t mean she’s a bitch. Thanks Stockholm, just for that I’ll let you test out my latest invention. I call it the Skin Shredder. (Big Ben screaming in pain) Okay, now I think you’re a bitch. Why the hell are you doing this? This universe isn’t big enough for lame-ass villains like you We’re taking over all your games and then we’ll show this world what real supervillans look like. (Abadede screaming in pain) Did you get the word out to Sonic? Yep, it’s all taken- Oh man! It shreds the penis and everything, holy cow! Uh (cough) Yeah anyway, um, it’s all taken care of. I know his every move. Right now those idiots are planning their attack. (Sonic and Tails eating) Uh you guys ok? You’re kinda eating a shitload of burgers there. I mean I don’t mind fryin’ but you guys better be, uh, paying for them with money. We’re stress eating okay? I haven’t seen Eggman this pissed since the time he ate some cake and wanted more cake, but there wasn’t any more cake. Remember that? Yeah, that bride was not happy. He chewed through her forearm like it was corn on the cob. So what are you guys gonna do? You can’t just hide here and eat burgers all day like a couple hiding burger boys. You’re right. We should take crack breaks too, Tails you in? Good lord, No. I’m just gonna eat these gin-soaked tampons until I die. Nice! Here’s to evil Eggman controlling the universe! Come on guys. We can’t just let Eggman take over the universe. We gotta fight back! When your story’s told, people will say they had lots of chances to turn it back only they didn’t Because they were holding on to something, they were holding on to something good in this world and it’s worth fightin’ for. Can I smoke your tampon? No dude, it’s-it’s all wet, It’s just a mess. Forget it, fuck you guys, I’ll do it myself. Okay, okay, easy Sam-wise, we’ll save the universe or whatever. (♪ 8-bit version of “You’re The Best Around” ♪) Hey! Are you done with that secret code yet or what? Uh just a few more lines of code. Carry the 2, adjust for wind speed and the click. Yes! What the fuck is this? JIM: It’s a dancing baby. It’s pretty neat, huh? Where the hell is my secret code to make me invincible? Uh yeah, working on that. I wanted to warm up first so I made this with a tutorial. EGGETTE: It’s not even good, it’s all jagged around the outside. Yeah, I kinda skipped a couple steps, okay onto your thing Right after my nap. Eggman, get in here. Yeah what’s up- Oh shit dancing baby! Our little coder here has worn out his welcome. We don’t even need him anyway, we could take over the universe with these inventions alone. Show him the door. JIM: No, no, no wait! I’m not even Morty, I killed Morty, look it’s me. It’s Jim! Nice try Morty but I think I’d know my best friend if I saw him. Out you go! (Glass smashing)
(Jim screaming) (Jim groaning) SONIC: Hey, is that Jim? TAILS: Uh that can’t be Jim, he’s right here. That’s not me, that’s a big pink dildo. (Unsettling music)
What? But it- it drove us here. -Hey, thanks for checking out Hedgehog for Hire, thanks to Mike and the team for creating that and uh yeah Making an awesome show. If you want to see more Hedgehog for Hire you can go to RT.com and see every season there. Plus bonus content and other creators like Cipher Den and The Transformers. -Thanks for watching. Remember to like, sub and smash that Bell or go to RoosterTeeth.com. -All of the above.