Job Simulator Gameplay – Office Worker – HTC ViveOn September 6, 2019 by Raul Dinwiddie
(Job Bot) Hello, human. Grab a cartridge from the tray and let’s get to work. (Job Bot) There’s never a dull day in the old cubicle farm. (Job Bot) Hello, human! Welcome to an accurate simulation of *monotone voice* office worker. (Job Bot) Take a look at this board for instructions. (Job Bot) Workers would traditionally start their day with an addictive liquid stimulant. (Random Bot) D’oh, my glasses! (Job Bot) Also, workers would ingest a frosted sugar torus for sustenance. *nom* *nom* *nom* *nom* *nom* (Job Bot) Now you’re ready to start your day. It’s time for *monotone voice* computer. The computer is the most important facet of the office, with humans and safety being the close second and third. (Random Bot) Ugh, that almost hurt! *telephone ringing* (Bot on Phone) Hello, can you get me line zero, please? Zero- (Job Bot) E-Mail was an inefficient form of communication, popularized in the mid 1990’s. (Job Bot) Ahh, the freedom of ‘inbox: zero.’ (Random Bot) Ooh, a message! (Random Bot) Hey, that almost- almost hurt! (Random Bot) Whoo, hoo-hoo! (Random Bot) Why is it not five o’clock yet!? (Job Bot) Here comes Supervisor Bot. Better look busy! (Supervisor Bot) Okay everybody, let’s make- let’s make some *monotone voice* business. Johnson, I’m counting *monotone voice* paradigm shift. Those *monotone voice* optimizations? (Johnson) Uhh, you… can… count on me. (Supervisor Bot) That’s what I like to hear. Hey, you! You’ve been doing a *monotone voice* good job. I’ve been thinking about giving you a *monotone voice* promotion. In fact, if nothing goes wrong in the next ten seconds, the job’s yours. *typing noises* You see, that’s why I like you! Always workin’ hard to climb that ladder! Take this, the new position’s yours! (Job Bot) Good job, human! You’re climbing the ranks. And here comes Boss Bot. Looks like he’s got more work for you! (Boss Bot) *boring voice* Hello, human. I am Boss Bot. I noticed you’ve logged in, so I’m here to give you your first task of the day. We need to bring some new bots on board, so look through your resumes and find two bots to hire. (Job Bot) You heard them, make sure you pick the best bots for the job. (Bandit Bot) Ah, this is the happiest day of my life! (Tourist Bot) Can’t believe it’s my first day! (Random Bot) Hey, that almost hurt! Hey, what the-!? (Boss Bot) Have you seen the latest sales report? This isn’t good. Load up the old spreadsheet program and fix these numbers. Wow, you cook those books like a professional *monotone voice* gourmet chef. (Random Bot) Hey, that almost hurt! (Job Bot) It’s time for lunch. At mid-day, humans would interact with primitive robots known as *monotone voice* vending machines *normal voice* to obtain food. Looks *monotone voice* delicious. *normal voice* Enjoy your meal, human. (Coworker Bot) Hey coworker, can you get me a *monotone voice* candy bar? (Job Bot) Looks like it’s stuck. Sadly, this was common with early generations of robots. (Coworker Bot) Thanks, coworker! (Coworker Bot) Hey coworker, over here! Get on your computer and check out these hilarious pictures! (Random Bot) Come on! (Boss Bot) Hello, human. I’m looking forward to your presentation today on all of the *monotone voice* business *normal voice* that we did in the last week. (Job Bot) So Boss Bot wants you to do a presentation. You’ll need to make some slides. Time to learn about an ancient human technique called *monotone voice* winging it. Try using this program in your computer. (Random Bot) Ooh, a message! *nom* *nom* HWAAAAAAAAAAAGH (Boss Bot) So… you ready to go through this presentation? Here’s the clicker. Use the button to go through your slides. *pleased crowd noises* *cheesy trumpet sounds* *boom* (Random Bot) Well, what do you know? (Boss Bot) Nice- Nice job, hu- That was very *monotone voice* business. (Random Bot) Come on! (Coworker Bot) Hey, human. Bot number *monotone voice* 10110 *normal voice* is retiring tomorrow. We wanted to give him a parting gift. Everyone’s pitching in. Why don’t you give me something you’d like to contribute? That’s how you want them to remember their old job? Anyway, do you think you can type up a quick card to go with this? It would make it a lot more *monotone voice* personal. *typing noises* That looks good. Hand it to me. I’ll handle the rest. Thanks for helping out! (Random Bot) Hey, what the-!? (Boss Bot) Uhh, things aren’t going too well. We need to find a couple bots we can let go. Take a look at these employee evaluations. (Fancy Bot) First, my stapler jams. And now, this? (Job Bot) In the office, coworkers would converse around the liquid dispenser. (Random Bot 1) Man, did you hear that *monotone voice* Bot #2272 *normal voice* got fired? Man, that’s *monotone voice* notable. (Random Bot 2) Hey Bill, did you see the *monotone voice* sports event *normal voice* on TV last night? It’s pretty *monotone voice* touchdown. (Random Bot) Who threw this? Stand up. Who did it? (Random Bot 1) Check out these photos of my many children! (Random Bot 2) Do you bear children, human? (Random Bot 1) Aww, now isn’t that- isn’t that sweet? (Random Bot) Hey, what the-!? (Boss Bot) Yeah… hey, look, I’ve got some papers I need you to shred It has to be you for… legal reasons, I don’t really wanna get into it… here. Just look in the case. Shred everything. Just get rid of it. *nom* Uhh… see… here’s the other thing. I just found out that our insurance fully says(?) *SHREDDING NOISES* that you actually can’t have this much stuff in your cubicle. So uhh… you’re going to need to get rid of some of that too. Alright, that’ll do. Turn off the shredder when you’re done. That was a close one. Alright, carry on. Nothing to see here. (Police Bot) Right there, hold it! Don’t let that bot get away! (Random Bot) Hey! That was a pre- (CEO Bot) Hello, human. I am CEO Bot. Here’s the thing: Boss Bot needs to go away for a while, and you’ve been doing a really *monotone voice* good *normal voice* job. So I’d like to offer you a promotion. (Coworker Bots) Happy *monotone voice* promotion *normal voice* to *monotone voice* human Happy *monotone voice* promotion *normal voice* to *monotone voice* human (Coworker Bot) Now make a wish and blow out the candles! (Coworker Bot) Sorry, human. Looks like there’s not enough cake for you. (Coworker Bot) Here you go, human! I got you a *monotone voice* present. *balloon blowing noises* (Random Bot) D’oh, my glasses! (Random Bot) Hey, that almost hurt! (CEO Bot) Now that you’re the boss of this department, I’ll leave it to you to do the honors. *air horn* (Coworker Bot) Yaaay! (Coworker Bot) Woohoo! It’s time to go home! Good job, everyone! Let’s get outta here before the boss tries to stop us! (Coworker Bot) Whoo! Yeah! (Coworker Bot) Wahoo! (Coworker Bot) Haha! (Coworker Bot) Great, it’s five o’clock! Work is over! (CEO Bot) Yeah, I’m gonna have to ask you to come in on *monotone voice* Saturday. (Job Bot) Well, there you have it, human! I hope this has given you a better idea of what it was once like to *monotone voice* office worker. Well, you know how to get back to the museum if you want to. I’ll just be hanging out here while you do whatever you want.