Cinema Insomnia presents Eegah!On February 18, 2020 by Raul Dinwiddie
Warning: the following program is rated
TV-PG. Parental guidance is suggested and you probably won’t see any boobs. Greetings, people of the future, on this
day of your year, we decided to open up the vault and dig out another time
capsule from the raw and puckered annals of our Cinema Insomnia history. We now
present to you, for educational purposes only, a classic episode from our library
reconstructed with the best elements known to TV science. Enjoy. You are under my power. Look into the hypnotic eye! Time now to enter Mr. Lobo’s domain. Look out! Open your mind to the possibility that
they’re not bad movies, just misunderstood. You’re not dreaming, you’re watching Cinema Insomnia. Tonight’s feature is presented in Nose-O-Vision. They work a lot like a scientist’s
microscope, only for your nostrils. Simply pick up a pair at the participating
99-Cent Store or dial one up on cinemainsomnia.com. And there you will find how to prepare your
set of Nose-O-Vision Nose-O-Scopic slides. Like, you just put a little bit of
mom’s perfume on Slide A, put a little sulfur on Slide B, a little bit of dad’s
shaving cream on Slide C, and so on. Keep them in these plastic bags alphabetized
and await instructions during the film. I’m gonna put in the dad shaving cream. Dad’s, what’s wrong with you? Anyway… So, that’s how these work and if if your
parents are a little “financially challenged” and you can’t afford a set of Mr. Lobo’s
Nose-O-Scopic glasses, I understand. Just take a popsicle stick or anything
around the house, a fork… Rub something that smells on it and hold it
under your nose during the appropriate parts. Let’s try another one, shall we?
This one is baby food… Oh, wait a second… (sniffs) Butternut squash and corn… I’m your horror host, Mr. Lobo.
There are still regions of the world, vast and desolate, where no life is
ever seen. Modesto for example. Its as though the land itself was spanked by a
Hot Wheels track and shoved into a closet by God. It is in these lonely, desolate areas that
unspeakable, unnamed creatures still lurk beneath the earth’s crust. It is in these
dark, impenetrable forests and dark shadows that still inhabit the Giant Gila Monster! Excuse me…
Come on! Giant Gila Monster?! I mean, Slob Zombie on leased
access cable can show Giant Gila Monster! Read the card. The Queen of Trash politely informs me that
the Nose-O-Scopics laboratory had a bit of a mix-up and we got the Nose-O-Vision slides for a completely different movie, so rather than waste the Nose-O-Vision Nose-O-Scopic slides, we’re
going to bring you that movie instead. But I promise you Mr. Lobo will be bringing
you Giant Gila Monster at a later date. Thank you, my Queen.
Heh, like it matters… Ah, without further ado, wannabe
rockabilly idol Arch Hall co-stars from a safe distance, as the towering, seven-foot
two inch character actor and James Bond villain, Richard “Jaws” Kiel, does for
cavemen what Ringo Starr did for cavemen. So we drag our knuckles
through tonight’s feature… Eegah! Hi, Roxie! What are you doing in town?
Thought I was supposed to meet you up the club. Well, you still are. I just bought
myself a new swimming suit tonight. Oh?
That?! Well, I get off work in ten minutes.
Follow me out, then. Follow you?
Listen, I can change clothes and beat you out there. Ha! That’s my girl!
Her father’s Robert I. Miller. He writes all those adventure books.
You ought to see her swim! Hey! Gee, I’m sure am sorry, sir. I guess I was thinking about having dinner with my girl. She lives up at the club. (tires squeal) (caveman grunting) (startled caveman grunting) (screams) I did not watch Roxie swim, okay! I didn’t! I found this box, okay! And when I opened it there
was nothing in it, but bacon-flavored dental floss. Bacon flavored dental… Oh, gee! I sure
am sorry, Miss Mittens! Sorry about that, uh… Look, we should probably
toss to break now, while Mr. Lobo… contemplates a few things
Cinema Insomnia will be right back. They sure work hard, don’t they Barney?
Yeah, I hate to see them work so hard. Yeah, me too… Eh, let’s go
around back, where we can’t see ’em. Gee, we ought to do something, Fred. Okay. Hows about taking a nap?
I got a better idea. Let’s take a Winston break. That’s it! Winston is the one filter
cigarette that delivers flavor 20 times a pack! Winston’s got that filtered blend.
Yeah, Fred. Filtered blend makes the big taste difference and only Winston has it! Up front, where it counts!
Here, ahead of the pure white filter. Winston packs rich tobacco specially
selected and specially processed, by good flavor in filtered smoke. Yeah Barney, Winston tastes
good, like a cigarette should. There’s a gang in his class. I’m the boss. I see. Pretty Yvonne Lime lives on the screen. These dramatic and important
events in every young girl’s life. Her first sincere kiss. I don’t want my girl messing around with those creeps. Her first grown-up giving of love. Her joining of a secret society. Did you ever steal? No!
You’ll learn. On the Connie Harris case, you asked me to call… Well, I’m afraid there may be trouble. There’s the devil to pay when High School
Hellcats and High School Hotshots get together… on an anything-goes party, Tonight’s feature contains cliched
characters, annoying songs, exploited tallness and nepotism, and
truly dares you to stay awake. Mr. Lobo is going to have to ask you all,
as I have in the past, to take the Insomniac’s Oath. Please assume the position and repeat
after Mr. Lobo. I, as an initiated member of the Sleepless Knights of Insomnia, do
solemnly swear to watch the movie, the whole movie, and nothing
but the movie, so help me Mr. Lobo. You may stand down. Ah God, it hurts more every time… And now back to the Nose-O-Scopic edition of tonight’s feature… Eegah! (scream) Roxie, it’s me, Tom! Oh, Tommy! What’s the matter? What happened? Is he gone?
Who? Is he? I don’t see anybody. Just take it easy and tell me what happened. I saw a giant! What?
I did! Honest, I saw a giant! No, it was right in the middle of the road. Not a half mile from here. He doesn’t believe me. You didn’t really expect anyone to, did you Miss Miller? Why not? It’s the truth. Honey, a prehistoric monster
is a rather large order to swallow. Dad, I didn’t say he was a monster.
He was a giant. You know, a caveman. Club and all, eh?
Yes. What my daughter saw, she saw. Now let’s just let it go at that. Okay, but if you see her giant again,
let me know in time to take some pictures. She will. Dad. You don’t believe me, either. Roxy, of course I believe you.
I believe you saw something. I saw a giant. A prehistoric giant! How about it, Tom? What did you see? Like I told you, Mr. Miller, I wasn’t there until afterwards. Tommy Nelson, I know what I saw! Sure Roxy, but I mean… Giant? There were giants. The bible said so. Yes it does, in the book of Genesis.
Something about in those days giants walked the Earth. Well, then? Maybe we can get some flashlights and
go out and take a look for ourselves, huh? No, this thing can wait until morning. Now you
kids go and take your swim before the pool closes. In the morning, now. It’s a promise. Dad still doesn’t believe me.
Sure, he does. And neither do you… I swear on my Elvis Presley LP.
How big did you say he was? Bigger than anybody you ever saw.
I bet you were scared, huh? A little. But I had the funniest feeling he wouldn’t hurt me…
Yeah? In fact, I thought he was kinda cute…
Oh! Well, let’s be realistic about this.
You said, yourself, that you fainted. Isn’t it possible that you dreamed this whole idea? No dad, I didn’t. It was a giant! Now, I don’t want to call this story of yours
a lot of foolishness and I haven’t so far, have I? No. But if there were a giant, if anyone at all…
Mr. Miller, come here! What’d you find?
I don’t know. It looks like a footprint, though. Let us see! Look! There’s the heel!
And there’s his toes! Look at the size of that. It must’ve been made by…
Say it! A giant.
What did I tell you? And that’s for finding these! I’ll find the big boy, himself, for you, if you feel like that. He left the road right here.
Watch out for snakes! Better go back to the car.
No, he’s my giant! Holy cow, he was standing right here watching us! Then he turned and took off for… Shadow Mountain, do you
suppose that’s where he lives? It’s possible. That would account
for his never having been seen before. It’s too bad we didn’t bring the
dune buggy. We could go after him. What for?
I could get some pictures, maybe even bring him back. A lot of people aren’t gonna believe this giant jazz. No, we’re not saying
anything about this, you understand? Why not? After the way everyone laughed at me… Your turn will come.
I’m going up on Shadow Mountain with a camera. Are you gonna write a book
about the Giant, Mister Miller? That’s the idea, Tom. I’ll take you up there. My dune buggy’s all ready to go. No, thank you. It is! I just gave it the works! There’s no offense, son, but I’d like
to take this trip in something a little bit safer. I’ll see you in about two days at the most. Well, please take care of yourself. Now, my credit cards are in the desk drawer.
You make sure you leave them there. This thing is supposed to be safer than my dune buggy? Alright Kruger, let’s go. Mr. Lobo is going to show you now,
how to prepare your Nose-O-Vision glasses. Now we’ve got some blank slides here and an
easy one to do is slide “M”, I mean “R”, excuse me. You put a little bit of your mom’s perfume on there and slip it into your Nose-O-Vision glasses and… (sniffs)
Lady Speed Stick? Mmm…
That’s Roxie’s smell. The next one we’re gonna do is quite simple:
a little bit of Brylcreem. This is for Slide H. A little dab will do you.
Brylcreem… Some Bubblicious bubble
gum and a little bit of gasoline. Maybe have mom or dad help you with that. Okay… And that’s the smell of Arch Hall Jr. (sniffs) Yeah, that’s what he smells like.
That’s exactly what he smells like. Okay, the next one… Is slide…
I’m not gonna be able to put that back in my mouth. Okay the next one is Slide M,
which is a pretty easy one to do. You get a little bit of Old Spice… Old cigarettes… Old money… And that’s the smell of Mr. Miller, aka
William Waters, aka Arch Hall, Senior. Yeah…
God, it smells like old back issues of Argosy, okay… Now, for the last one, for Slide S, well, that’s sweat. And the easiest way to do this
and I can do two at once… and Mr. Lobo is doubly lucky, because
I’m male and one of the ethnic races, which means i produce more sweat than anyone else. But you put one under each arm pit.
Now that’s science, don’t write letters. One under each arm pit and just let it
seep during tonight’s commercial break. Have you been injured in a skateboard
or a skateboard related accident? Do you need a lawyer? I’m not a poser. I’m a hardcore skate punk like you and I know the law. This is actually my skateboard. Pretty tight, huh? Rad is like, totally cool. I fell down in front of the courthouse. He got my medical expenses paid and he got me a bag! That’s right! I’ll even get you a bag.
I’m not here to judge you, that’s the court’s job. I’m a hardcore skate punk like you and I know the law… and more importantly,
I know how to help you break it. Don’t delay! Call Rad Abrams and associates
today! Look for our ad in Thrasher magazine! Later days, dudes. 1 million years BC, erupts on the
screen with volcanic excitement. When primitive man and monstrous
beasts fought each other to inherit the earth. Introducing the fabulous Raquel Welch, the sensational star discovery of
this or any other year in 1 million years BC! See her as Loana, the fair one, who deserted her tribe and risked her life to follow Tumok of the rock people. See the fascinating, strange, and fearful creatures,
who roamed and ruled the earth, a Million Years BC. Introducing the fabulous
Raquel Welch as Loana, the fair one. John Richardson as Tumak. Look, Mr. Lobo is not having
this argument with you, Miss Mittens! No, I’m not! No, I’m not! Look, giants are real, okay?
I swear on my Arch Hall LP! Because they were real! Look, it says so in the Bible, and the Koran,
and Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, okay? Look, open your mind.
Here it is. Giant: a humanoid shaped
creature of great strength and size. Six core types of giants are known to exist:
Storm Giants live mainly on cloud islands. Usually Chaotic Good. Cloud Giants believe they are superior
to all other Giants, except for Storm Giants. Usually neutral good or neutral evil. Fire Giants are militaristic and look somewhat like a huge dwarf. Usually lawful evil. Stone Giants are shy but nevertheless
dangerous when aroused to anger. Usually neutral. And let’s see here, there’s different… (glass shatters) (screams) Now, don’t you forget, I want you to meet
me at the mouth of deep canyon tomorrow at 4:00. (grunts) (grunts) (rhythmic drumming) No! (sinister laughing) No! No. No! No! I love you, Vicky. You know I do. My whole life has changed, for the first day we met was my last day with you. Vicky.
Oh, Vicky. What have I done? Why can’t we make up? We could have so much fun. If you don’t love me, I was a fool. Oh, Vicky. You are my love. Vicky.
Oh, Vicky. I’m so alone. If you could just talk to me… If I could just call you on the phone, would you give one more chance to a fool? Oh, Vicky. You are my love. You are my love. Vicky… Hello?
Yes? Dad will understand. It’s just one of those things. Just a minute, please. Do you know we’re Deep Canyon is?
Yeah. Are you sure?
Sure, I’m sure. I’ve been there lots of times. Why? Don’t worry, Mr. Kruger. I’ll take care of it. Yes. Thanks for calling. Goodbye. What’s up?
That was Mr. Kruger, from the airport. The helicopter gasket or something. He won’t be able to pick Dad up. At deep canyon?
Yes. No problem. We’ll get the dune
buggy and whizz right out there. This is whizzing?
Wait til we get on the highway! Hang on to your garter belt!
But there’s no road here! This is what the buggy is made for! We sure bounce.
My tires are filled with water! To keep it cool?
No, the weight. It gives me traction in the sand.
Watch this! (laughs) Woo! There you are, Deep Canyon. I don’t see dad any place. Maybe we’re early. It’s past 4:30. Hey, take it easy on that water.
I don’t want us to dry out before dad gets here. And don’t you eat anymore!
Okay. It’s 9 o’clock. What do you suppose happened? Oh, nothing happened.
He’s not coming on a bus, you know? You can’t expect him to be right on the dot. I know but he should have made it before dark.
Don’t worry about it. He’ll see the campfire and
come walking in on us any minute now. That’s what you said two hours ago.
Well, he will! Well, if you believe that, what’s the idea of the bedroll? Look, I carry all this junk in the buggy anyway, so you might as well get some use out of it. I’m not sleepy. So, lie down and rest for a while I’ll keep the fire going. Hey! What are you doing with that? I always carry a gun in the desert.
There’s coyotes around the camp. Put it away! We’re not playing cowboy!
You know there’s mountain lions around here, too? Well, they won’t come near a fire, I know that much. And I’m not gonna have you take a
shot at something that turns out to be dad! Okay! Okay! I’ll put her away on one
condition, that you call it and get some rest. Okay! (sneezes) (chokes) He held our entire world hostage with his
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Order “Candles, Krankor, & You” today, or We’re gonna kill some children! Yuck! Creepy Crawlers Thingmaker II. In about an hour, you can make lots
of things that look awful and feel terrible. Creepy Crawlers, create the
goop, pour in the molds, and wait. Creepy Crawlers Thingmaker II, an electrical toy. It’s disgusting. Creepy Crawlers Thingmaker II, comes
with three molds and four bottles of goop. New from Mattel. Is anyone out there? Mr. Lobo is in terrible danger. I’m being held hostage by a female caveman. She already used her club
and smashed Miss Mittens into bits. My companion and bodyguard, the
Queen of Trash, is nowhere to be found. She’s even eaten all of my Nose-o-Scopic Slides. Call an anthropologist, hurry! Well, I have one on my speed dial! Shegah! Police, fire, ambulance, botanist,
toy store, anthropologist… Oh no, she’s uh… I won’t tell you what she’s doing to my
phone, not on broadcast anyway, but… Oh no, she’s coming this way! Run for your lives! (grunts) (grumble) (music plays) Aw, I must have bumped it again…
You must have! Hey! Have you been at this?
I was saving it for dad! What?
The stew! I didn’t touch it.
Well, I sure didn’t and look at~ What did you do that for? Listen, if he comes back for that club,
we don’t want to be anywhere around here. (wolf howls) Tommy, stop!
What? It’s dad’s camera! Are you sure it is?
Well, I’ve borrowed it enough. Look at the way it’s smashed! Well, he could have dropped it.
Well, then why didn’t he pick it up? Well, it’s broken. It’s no good to him. Oh… Well, it’s also insured. Let’s not kid ourselves. Let’s not jump to conclusions, either.
Come on, let’s try that next ravine. Let’s go! One way or the other, what do you think?
I don’t know. Well, I’ll climb up there with you
and see if the buggy can get through. You better stay here!
No! There’s no reason for both of us going.
We got to come back to the buggy, anyway. Well, then we’ll come back!
I’m not going to sit here doing nothing. Oh, women! Look, you stay here with the buggy!
No. Drive it up to meet me, when I give you the signal. That’ll save us both a trip. Come on! Okay… Ah, the gun! Toss it. Give me a blast on the horn if you see anything. Don’t worry about that. Day One: Mr. Lobo is still being
held captive by a female cave person that I’ve come to know as Shegah.
She is now introducing me to her ancestors. Apparently, they all worked at Spencer’s
gifts. Cinema Insomnia will be right back. Now the kid had a cycle, the hot one
in town. He called it “Scrambler” and raced it all around. One day a tall one
came out of the blue and called to his brother, “I’ll race against you”.
Trailblazer ready, the crowd picked their man. They revved up their cycles and
the great race began. They raced them and chased them, again and again.
Trailblazer, Scrambler, and two daring men. These fully assembled gyro cycles are
inside specially marked packages of Quisp and Quakes Quangaroos. Rat Fink and Boo Boo, masked men
dedicated to fight crime and preserve justice! Look, Boo Boo, a young lady in distress! Won’t somebody help me? Me first, Rat Pfink!
Go, Boo Boo! I’ll park the Rat Cycle! Take that, Mister Crook! Why not fight someone your own size, fella! Help me! Will somebody please help me? The Rat Pfink will!
Ape, drop that girl! You hurt me, you big ape! Take that, Ape! Rat Pfink and Boo Boo, the leaders of
today, building the leaders of tomorrow! And I want all you young people
to grow up to be good American citizens. Remember, your country needs you. Rat Pfink, you’re the greatest! Rat Pfink and Boo Boo are coming! In her attempts to court Mr. Lobo, the female cave person, Sheegah,
has been showing me some of her cave drawings. This first one is a picture of
Sheegah hunting down a saber-toothed tiger. Yeah, and the saber-toothed tiger says, “I
hate Mondays.” That’s very witty. Okay let’s look at the next one. This is a picture Sheegah did of a bison making… Poopie! Making poopies, that’s right. Poopie! Poopie! Poopie!
Okay, very funny. Let’s look at the next one…
Yes, poopie. Yes, let’s look at the next one. Now, this is an interesting one.
Someone is watching Mr. Lobo on TV, but, see I thought maybe it was Mr. Game & Watch,
but really, you know, you look at this guy… it looks like a semicolon and a letter P, but
he’s really just winking and sticking his tongue out. That means, “I’m laughing out loud” in caveman. Interesting… Okay, let’s look at the next one. Alright, this is…
Oh, this is a really complicated one. This is a flow chart explaining the relationship
between nepotism and Arch Hall’s career. This is Arch Hall, Sr. and Arch Hall, Jr.
Now Arch Hall Sr. put his son in tonight’s film Eegah… and directed it under the name Nicholas Merriwether… and he also starred in it, with his son, as his
girlfriend’s father under the name William Waters. Then there’s some cousins in there, too… Basically everyone in this movie is related to
Arch Hall in some way, except for Richard Kiel. We’re still figuring it all out. It’s not written in stone. You know, Sheegah, in her own crude backward way, is just like Mr. Lobo. She hosts pictures. That’s right.
Watch it! And a thousand years from now these
crude cave drawings will still be around, whereas tonight’s feature… tonight’s picture,
Eegah, will have long since turned to dust. The future looks bright doesn’t it? Give me that! (snarls) Take it. (scream) (horn honks) Roxy? Roxy? Roxy? Roxy? Where are you? Roxy! Roxy? (grunts) Roxy? Roxy? Oh, dad! Are you hurt? I think my collarbone was broken. Here, let me help you. How did you get here?
We came looking for you, and we were both so worried
that we didn’t know what to do. No, no. No, no. No, no, no. She’s mine. She, mine. He understands you? We’ve got a beautiful friendship going. (grunts) Dad! Don’t do anything to scare him. Me, scare him? (sniffs) (sniffs) He likes your perfume. Smell all you want. Go ahead. What became of the others? What others? Keep smiling. You didn’t come out here alone, did you?
No. Tom is with me. I mean he’s out there, somewhere. Hold still. It’s me! Looking (sniffs) What’s he doing? Looking for lice, I believe. Careful, honey. Take it easy. He won’t hurt you. He hurt you!
No, I did that myself when I fell on the camera. Dad, I think you better break this up before I scream! Tell him you’re hungry.
I’m not! Well, think of the alternative… I’m hungry. (grunts inquisitively) Yes. Yes, hungry. (gibberish grunting) What are those?
Those are his relatives. (gibberish grunting) They’re dead!
Yes, apparently for some time. Eegah! (gibberish) Come on, Dad. Let’s make a run for it. That won’t work. The entrance is blocked. What are we to do? I don’t know, but we’ll think of something. He’s telling his family all about you. He told them about me last night. Think how lonely he must be. I know whatever he is, he a human being. (grunting gibberish) (grunting gibberish) (grunting gibberish) What’ll I do?
It’ll be all right. Play it by ear, but don’t upset him. He’s telling him that he has guests for dinner. How do you do? Well, that one looked like a very
important ancestor. Shake hands with him, Roxy. Oh, Dad! Oh, pleased to meet you.
Doesn’t he know they’re dead? I think so. He just can’t make himself accept it. I’m not having any trouble. And how are you feeling today? Oh, that’s fine. (gibberish) Anyway, how tall were you,
because you’re a pretty big guy. Well, I thought I was 6’3″, until I sat over here. She is the one hope against the Intergalactic Horde. Her’s is the one power which can stand up against the evil Hordak. Who are you, woman? The name is She-Ra! For the honor of Grayskull, you must not
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your diet? Well, in tonight’s snack bar segment, Mr. Lobo is going to show you how to make Rocking Sulphur Pit Punch. Based on that magical elixir that
somehow sustains a race of prehistoric cave giants in tonight’s motion picture, Eegah. Ehgah? Eegah? Anyway… All you need is a bowl like this one, some ginger ale soda, like this here. Some rainbow sherbet, or orange sherbet, or serpent sherbet, sir bet? Anyway… Anyway, some of this. And a container of dry ice. Now, the first thing that you do is you take
the orange sherbet, rainbow or orange sherbet, the serpent? Sherbet? Sir bet? Servant? Sher… Sher… Anyway, you take this and we don’t have
an ice cream scoop, but who needs it anyway, because we’re cavemen, right?
So you just get right in there and you put that stuff… right in the bowl, with your
fingers. Just get it all in there… There, mmmm. That looks lovely. Then you get into your dry ice. Get a big block of it, jam it in there. You take the ginger ale… Creating a rising steam… Coming over the rising steam. There we go. Rising smoke effect that has been overused by
special effects masters and horror hosts for eons, but is still kind of interesting if you’re right
there with it in person Trust me. Anyway, you stir in the sherbet or serbet… until it creates a goopy, foamy mess that looks like something out of a elementary school science project. There you go. Isn’t that great? Now I like to serve it… serve it?
Sure? Serve it? Serve it? Serve it? Any way, I like to serve it in a dirty cup. And drop in a couple of rotten Easter eggs, for that genuine… Genuine sulfury taste… and aftertaste. mmm mmm Just like San Jose tap water. Eegah, good! Why don’t you pour yourself a stone
cold one right now, during tonight’s intermission? It’s intermission time folks and
that means it’s time for a tasty snack! How about a stroll over to the
refreshment counter for a delicious bite to eat? You don’t have to worry about missing any part of the show, because our announcer will let you know
three minutes before the show starts again. See you over at the refreshment counter! Let’s all go to the lobby! Let’s all go to the lobby!
Let’s all go to the lobby to get ourselves a treat! Delicious things to eat! The popcorn can’t be beat!
The sparkling drinks are just dandy! The chocolate bars and the candy!
So let’s all go to the lobby to get ourselves a treat! Let’s all go to the lobby to get ourselves a treat! Hi, I’m Chilly Dilly, the personality pickle. Packed in a jar for the freshest flavor.
Served cold in a sack for you to savor. So dainty to eat, no muss no fuss.
An ideal snack for all of us. Crisp, tender, and tasty, with a bit of spice.
Buy one now! Taste how nice! Snack bar clerks will knock themselves
silly, speeding your order for a real chili dilly! What’s your pleasure, sir or
madam, and all you kiddies, too? Sandwiches freshly made from quality
ingredients, soft drinks cool tangy, and refreshing. A hot dog? There you are.
Tender, juicy, done to a turn with some fixings. Hamburgers, man?
Just the way you like them. Meaty, moist, and broiled. Well, here we are, back in a cave on the banks of
the Dordogne River in France, thousands of years ago. And there’s plenty of hair, as you can see, on the gentlemen, but no hat and no hairdo to speak of. That hair is really interfering with his business. Nearby, the cave woman, his wife,
is grilling a fish over an open fire. Now the caveman is very plainly bothered by that hair that is growing so plentifully on his head in all directions. Suddenly, he looks over
toward the fireplace and he sees the surviving backbone of a fish that has been eaten. And it gives him an idea… Now, I don’t say that we have proof that
this happened, but it could have happened. and some such original
discovery must have been made. Now see what he does with the backbone of that fish. He puts up his hair as best he can and uses the backbone or part of it as a side comb to hold it in place. Let’s imagine, at least, that that was the first hairdo. You’re not dreaming, you’re watching Cinema Insomnia. The name written in blood, Eegah! Eegah! It was supposed to be the name written
in blood. This scary, horrific horror movie. It was a twenty seven thousand dollar
movie, and so some of us actors decided that maybe it would work better if it had a little humor and so became instead of “Eegah, the Name Written in Blood”, it was “Eegah: The Lovesick Giant”, because I play this prehistoric caveman,
that happens to still live near Palm Springs, and a little gal with a sports car almost runs into me, because I’m out searching for food and got a rabbit, and I see this woman for the first
time and she’s like really, really beautiful… Yes, she is, really, really…
And she smells good, yeah? Nothing like a rabbit. It was a big hit at the
drive-ins back then because there were a lot of B movies and C movies and D+ movies and uh… You know, that was kind of the thing that was the rage then and that movie made that producer enough money to make about another
six or seven movies after that. Could you tell us a little bit
about the direction in that movie? Well, you know, he was an old radio actor that had become a movie actor & did a lot of westerns and so it was kind of left up to us to direct ourselves. So there was, you know, I would come up with an
idea like Eegah’s coming into town looking for the girl that smells good and he
runs into a shop with mannequins. and so I have him like go up to the glass
and it’s like a pantomime type thing, you know? And he’s looking, he’s interested in this
mannequin, but he can’t get through the glass. and we discover that he’s not just a predator,
he’s a human being with emotions and feelings… I don’t know about a human being, but he has human characteristics. Human characteristics…
Frustration. Well, thank you a Richard Kiel for sharing some of your human characteristics with us. Just don’t hurt me, okay? Oh! Oh, God! Alright, well, this is Mr. Lobo…
Are you okay? Are you okay? I’m going to… I’m going to be blacking in a few seconds, here, so um… but thank you very much, Richard Kiel.
Oh, my god! I can taste my brain! Well, it’s been very nice. See you later. You’re not dreaming, you’re watching Cinema Insomnia. Oh, this? Well, uh, Mr. Lobo broke his collarbone. It’s a long story. It’s anthropology stuff. As you know a large, female,
cave person has set her sights on, well, set her biological weed whacker on deflowering Mr. Lobo. She’s been trying to win me over with little tidbits she’s hunted and gathered including a copy of this sort of book. It’s called “Cult Flicks &
Trash Flicks”, which must be some sort of I don’t know, primitive version of the John Stanley Creature Features movie guide. Let’s see what it says about tonight’s feature Eegah. Eegah: “Large man or giant causing disturbance”, crackles on the police radio in this infamous Arch Hall epic set in Palm Springs. Eegah, a desert dwelling caveman holdover,
complete with alley oop wooden Club, falls hard for Roxy, a typical 60s Teen Queen,
with Hall as her jealous guitar strumming boyfriend. Dig that rock and roll soundtrack, preferably with a shovel. Towering Richard Kiel went on to do better things with out-sized rolls like Jaws in the James Bond adventures, but any jaws you hear will be yours
hitting the floor as you watch Eegah and he’s striding entertainingly
from peak to peak of ineptitude. Videocassette is hosted uncut by Elvira. You know there’s a Cinema Insomnia DVD, too, for your information. Well, it looks like prehistory is about to repeat itself, again. Let’s hope Arch Hall is wearing his electric guitar
when he jumps back into that swimming pool, in the second half of tonight’s feature, Eegah. I can’t eat anymore of this!
Fake it! That’s what I’ve been doing! Now I’m getting sick. Eegah! Is that his name?
It might be. That’s the word he says most of the time. Eegah! Oh Dad, no! That’s all I need now is a drink of sulfur. Ew, I don’t see how anybody
could drink that horrible stuff. I guess it can’t hurt me. Make it last as long as you can. He won’t hurt you if you’re doing something. A prehistoric gentleman, huh?
Thank you. Well, here’s to you! This water doesn’t make you strong, you
have to be strong to drink it in the first place. No, no! I’m still thirsty!
Thank you. (gags) That does it! (grunting gibberish) (gibberish) What is it? Believe it or not, Dad, I’m going to look at his etchings. Oh, this is nice! No, no, no. This is nice. (grumbling) Let’s see what you mean… (gibberish grunting) (gibberish) Dad?
What is it? Look at this drawing! It’s me in my car! This one is me! Roxy! Roxy! If Eegah makes me drink
any more of this sulfur water, I’ll die. We’ve got to keep him busy!
I know. It’s not so bad, as a matter of fact, a little bitter… Which seems to have a
certain quality that’s good for him. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if the sulfur in these walls isn’t what’s kept these giants alive all these years. You mean these giants have always been here? Where have you seen those before? In that cave in France!
Exactly. Same style, same everything, Definitely prehistoric. Yes, I’d say that he and his tribe have always been here. Are there others?
No, he’s the last one. How can you be sure? Have a good look at his family. From the condition of the shrouds, I’d say
the last one died fifty, a hundred years ago. How old does that make him? I wouldn’t even know to guess. Here it comes. (gibberish grunting) (gibberish) No. (yawning) (gibberish) Well, I’ll be a Monkey’s Uncle!
Yeah! Monkey’s Uncle! New stunt race game with a monkey business name! Spread the stunts out every place!
Make yourself to win the race! Run wild, Monkey’s Uncle! Wind the timer, run and take! The stunt that says be a snake!
It’s great! Monkey’s Uncle! Time is going tick-tick-tick!
Do a rooster who is sick! Cock-a-doodle achoo! Runnin’ wild, Monkey’s Uncle!
Hurry, hurry, do those tricks! Before the monkey’s out of ticks!
Runnin’ wild, Monkey’s Uncle! Time! Now’s your turn to show your speed!
Do more stunts and take the lead! Runnin’ wild, Monkey’s Uncle!
Catch a fish and give a toot! Be an owl who cries…
Boo-hoo! It’s fun, Monkey’s Uncle!
Time! Wiggle-waddle, quick quick quick.
Do the “build the towers” trick. 12 stunts, just 3 tries.
In case of ties, spin monkey’s eyes! And you’re a monkey’s uncle! It’s wild! Complete with stunt mats, cards, horns,
clickers, tricks, spinner, and monkey timer. From Transogram. Where the fun comes from. (screams) Once a normal, voluptuously beautiful woman, she drove into a nightmare of horror! And saw descending from the sky, a titanic monster, whose fearsome touch became a frightful curse. (screams) (scream) tonight’s lucky real 7 girl is not so
lucky when we gave her directions to the television station we forgot to inform
her that we’re being held hostage by giant cave woman in fact I’m standing on
a ladder so by default Sally up over here is tonight’s lucky
reel 7 girl and of course we’ll be able to introduce the next reel of tonight’s
film and hopefully boost our ratings with males 18 to 34 years of age tell us
a little something about yourself lucky reel 7 girl good enough now back to the movie right here Roxy Roxy you did go see if
the rocks in place is gone now’s our chance it’s there what are we going to do
what time you helped me back I gotta sit down no don’t touch it it’s got to be
tied open something doesn’t it there’s some aspirin My dear babe I
don’t see it I brought it here must be around someplace keep looking you probably hid it
somewhere oh good the aspirin gin that’s more give me to
drink a lot of water don’t give you drink every nipple honey it’s got to be
tied off or something doesn’t it was pretty good liar that’s no way to talk
to your father you if it spoiled you sure did what can I do nothing of this
city how about if I wash your face or give you a shave it’ll make you feel
better you’ve got all your tongue care okay shave down you look before he has a chance to block the
entrance I will get his attention you do as I tell you this time you were lucky
last night he’s had time to think about I’m not gonna leave you to get your head
bashed in my father didn’t raise me that way yeah he brought me wow we’ve got to get
his mind on something else make a production out of the tape oh come on he’s interested he almost forgot to shut
the door well doesn’t say much for my sex appeal now I heard he wants the shade good give
it or anything to be the customer drive-in Rodney better watch him with that shaving figa
is paying tribute to the porcelain God right now of course we’re still stuck
here she moved a big rock in front of the exit so there’s no way we can escape
perhaps we can raise our spirits a bit with a little the old insomniac Mail
Sack letter goes like this dear mr. Lobo I love your show I would love a cinema
insomnia decoder ring so I can decode all those messages at the end of the
show are they back in stock just wonder ring lol damn Wow Dan you sprechen zie
caveman very good well the cinnamon Sami rings are back in
stock and they’re available through our website cinnamon Sami calm and our fan
club the sleepless nights of insomnia but you don’t need to worry about that
because mr. Lobo is gonna send you one absolutely free along with a cinema and
saw me a t-shirt for your wonderful letter they are two incredible chips I’m a
historian with a doctorate and cultural anthropology
Yes Doctor and one hell of a guy in search of a cannibal tribe
I want to make contact with piranha women great you’re looking at dress
because see if it’s feminine and feminist today just not the way I thought they’d
be Shannon Tweed star of hotdogs the movie and steal justice Adrienne Barbeau
star of escape from New York and one thing Hannibal women in the other kado
jungle of death I say this is enough situation or quite all right old fellow
chin up in all this I’m to keep the banana and I’ve come to say that you
really shouldn’t treat a fellow man this way if you like to be refined and a
civilized the eating habits really ought to be revised suppose I show you by
making banana scallops take a yellow banana or even one tipped with green cut
the banana in pieces about this size after dipping them an egg drain and roll
in cornflake crumbs or bread crumbs by about two minutes until Brown intended
then drain them well and serve hot so I’d like to say banana scallops tastes
to me like very cultured eating so won’t you join me please old fellow for this
time I am treating when mr. Lobo is stressed I like to shave myself oh oh
she got interested hi I’m shaving see ya you know some of our women shave would
that be a distraction that would get your attention off of mr. Lobo oh dear
and now back to welcome home roxy carmichael means they might be giants
tonight’s film egad how did he go you did a better job of saving him proxy no way of telling how nice Hey ego I want to say here this is this perfume I’m going to try and get into move wrong is nothing – where did you get them up
there yes I really need to know I guess you’re right take it I’ll bet you have
us anything like that before don’t you think it’s pretty
can I give him something else why my father eeeh oh you and me outside no save yourself once you’re outside run eat roll future you well I would ice put tinfoil in my mouth
you get stories from people who said they used to do that let me ask you this
when you put the tin foil in your mouth did you get radio yes yes that’s what I
heard the voices that keep told me to kill those 17 people today yeah look
then run for your life first monster musical the incredibly strange creatures
who stopped living and became mixed up zombies from the innocence of music and
laughter comes the twilight of terror along the Midway scantily clad dancers
luring the young lovers into the sideshows an unspeakable dismal subhuman
monsters who drew full of revenge incredible of the songs
the gaiety the zombie stone of those who will stop living trickery and the device
to ruin oh who is the woman branded in birth bearing the wart of horror who as
Madame Estrela said the world’s first monster musical the incredibly strange
creatures who stopped living and became mixed up zombies that’s great hope we wanted a Bud Light
if you want the great taste of Bud Light as for it mr. Lobo is unwittingly stuck in an
ancient mating ritual of the prehistoric candy-striped nurse tribe yes they did
have candy-striped nurses in those days it says so in Ron Jeremy’s Bible Yeah
right you know I don’t think mr. Lobo is gonna be able to scrape out of this what
I think mr. Lobo will end up being damaged goods by the end of the night I
really don’t want you to see what’s gonna be happening to me next good afternoon
the drone buggy just down the canyon I can do it for you everything’s always dad he’s okay he’s
waiting for us you hi it won’t start
me what’s wrong with it I read it so nobody could steal it out
here and dead end anyway that way you Oh after lengthy computation I femputer
have decided the fate of the men computer sentences them to death by snow it’s the exciting new daredevil trick
track with the incredible dolphin racer peer-driven for longer battery life
daredevil trick track full of fantastic tricks a sensational new steering track
a wall applause a teeter-totter we go somersault flip straight to a fly apart
house get daredevil trick track action-packed
with tricks and tracks it’s throwing spilly flashy smashing
daredevil treat track from transyl grams where the fine comes from she looks lovely lying there doesn’t she greetings programs if you’d like more
information about any of the films we’ve shown on cinema insomnia or would like a
transcript tonight’s program or perhaps she would even like some thin
information or photo of mr. Lobo to place in your scrapbook well some
computers in your town are equipped to send and receive electronic messages via
the global information grid if your town has one of these you can punch us up at
cinema insomnia dot-com and if you can’t spell all of that and judging by where
you live that’s understandable you’ll find a link to cinema insomnia calm on
palnet that’s FAL dotnet end of line Rafi I’m ready dad well I’m not you’re
gonna have to help me I can’t manage this time here I’ll do it I doesn’t have
to be this one young lady that happens to be one of my favorite times perfect
color you gave it to me four years ago why it’s lovely are you sure you’re feeling all enough
to go out tonight honey we’ve got to go out well it’s not anything special it’s
just a party your whole gang will be there yeah you
can’t avoid them forever some of them gladly with a final Agnes
Henderson she’ll laugh a lot you what’ll happen to him
I don’t know but I’m certain we’re doing the right thing if we were to reveal
that a giant actually is this there be a army out there tracking him down like an
animal no they wouldn’t we wouldn’t let them honey he’s from another age another
er come in hello mr. Miller hello Wow Wow Wow you sure look swell Roxy
thank you I’ll only be a minute is something wrong mr. Miller we’re just
talking about our little adventure oh I see you do well sure
a girl like Roxy don’t get over a thing like that right away doesn’t that’s what
I say she’s got to get her mind off it and this hop tonight will help
oh yeah my Khan was gonna be there and they’d swing through I understand I’m
ready let’s flip them mr. Miller I got my dad’s wheels tonight
really do they fit on your car you’re funny mr. Miller real funny hey wait a minute friend
what is it the masquerade that is miss giant the one you can talk later than
that is real large man or giant creating disturbance on the browser road
appraisal example of God miracle get turned to the left and inside of it go
to the empty old house on the brown boo boo on the round a crazy things happen
Oh God the polder the ghost at the side of a
joke nobody lives on the brown boom nobody not every great movie or great
arcade game makes a great home video that’s why
turn Tron into two video games we made short an excitement of Tron game
place found its way into Europe you’ll know it the moment you square off
against a recognizer if you last that long for great Tron games two foreign
television – for Atari 2600 from Mattel electronics games as good as we say they
may be better the dawn of civilization dangerous exciting caveman the handwriting is on the wall if the
human race is ever going to amount to anything
it needs a leader at oak will be the leader of the Stone
Age he will teach man to walk erect he will discover fire he will invent
roast chicken and fried eggs sunny-side up he will inspire the men and subs ugh the women caveman they don’t call it the Stone Age for
nothing ah look she got she got I’m not much for
the club scene but I kind of see where this is going
alright I know that Richard Keela that off-the-shoulder loincloth got you all
worked up and you know you biology is destiny that’s what I say and and look
if if this is ways the way it’s going to go that’s the way it’s going to go so
just just have have me as you will you know just do what you want just do
it quickly before the conclusion of ego 100 perhaps we should be a little more
discreet about it what are you talking about getting as far away as possible
from that music it’s a good idea but we guess here know the music’s wonderful I
could listen to Tom sing by the hour and you have I just wanted some fresh air that’s all
is it honey No dad I’ve got the funniest feeling what
is he I can’t describe it but I just know
something’s happened to him Iike a giant or whatever it is
something’s happened to Roxy look at me I love you very much
you’re more like your mother every day every living thing was personal
concerned and she worried about that’s just it dad but to see worry isn’t the
feeling that I have I don’t know what it is he’s a creature
well you just have to look at him to see that he even tried to kill us but Jeff
you can’t get him out of your mind that’s my job for about two more years
if I can hold on to you that long then it will be up to somebody else maybe him
hey where you been I was built not a tune just for you in
there I live up with your gun we could hear everywhere in town I said
here understand funny mr. Miller really funny come on Ronnie let’s dance
wait a minute what’s the matter I thought I heard siren oh that’s Dean old
facts at Lake (screaming) (dog barking) Charlie, look out! (screams) Don’t shoot, Charlie! If I didn’t know they were dancing, I’d
swear this was a fight. What?
I’d say it looks like a fight. My boy is a good dancer. I’m gonna get you! Knock it off! She’s my girl! I’m gonna smack… Eegah! Eegah! No, don’t! Stop, Eegah! No! No! There he is! Halt! Halt or I’ll fire! (gunshots) Don’t shoot! He doesn’t understand! Oh, no! (gunshots) (gunshots) Poor devil… Remember, I love you. Where did he come from? Is he real? Who is he? Yes, he was real.
It says so in the book of Genesis. There were giants in the
Earth in those days. Chapter 4, verse 32. (chewing)