Best of Creed – The Office US

There’s my girl Noticed you handing out some shekels. How would one get on that train? That was perdium from Philidelphia Ugh, that town smells like cheese steaks That town is full of history! Andrea’s the, uh, office bitch you’ll get used to her hmMMm creed I’m not offended by homosexuality In the 60s I made love to many many women often outdoors *eyebrow raise* in the mud and the rain and it’s possible a man slipped in would be no way of knowing. So, strike scream and run Alright, let’s try it. *Strikes, screams, and runs* Hey did one of you tell Stanley that I had asthma? Because I don’t If it gets out they won’t let me scuba If I can’t scuba, then w h a t s t h i s a l l b e e n a b o u t ? What am I working toward? Creed? Yes, sir? Everything okay? Everything’s cool, dude. I’m thirty. Well in November I’ll be thirty. That is Northern Lights Cannabis, Indica No, it’s marijuana. I may have inside information that someone is hiding drugs in this very office. Just pretend like we’re talking until the cops leave. Thanks, playing a little hooky from work today. oh my god How much do they want 300 dollars -What? No, I could get a fish for a five-cent worm. Oh, you’re paying way too much for worms, man. Who’s your worm guy? So hey, I wanna set you up with my daughter. Oh, I’m engaged to Pam. I thought you were gay. Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter? i d o n t k n o w Hey cus Heard you’re having money problems. No you didn’t Listen, I got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away. Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider. Creed, I noticed you don’t have a resolution on the board. What’s yours? I wanna do a cartwheel. They’re real casual, like, not make a big deal out of it, but I know everybody saw it. Just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel. How’s it going? i’m having a little trouble motivating no if you do that i’m going to do that if you do that i’m going to do that if you do this i’m going to do that well what if I just did– y o u d o n t w a n t t o d o t h a t . *wtf* I’m just hiding out until all this stuff blows over. With Creed. Playing chess. At work. He’s winning. I feel like I’m describing a dream I had. yo Is this his new chair? No he hasn’t picked one yet. DAAAHT. When Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair. Then I’ll have two chairs And only one to go. I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You get more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader. Whoa, awesome. L E T S P U T A S M I L E O N T H A T F A C E Dammit Creed I’ve been up since four! Real shame about Ed, huh? -Yeah Must really have you thinking. About what? The older you get, the bigger the chances you’re gonna die. You knew that Ed was decapitated. What? Dwight (whispering): really? He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down route six, he slides under an eighteen-wheeler, pop it snaps right off. Oh my god… *impressed* That is the way to go. Instant death, very smart. You know, a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated. You’re thinking of a chicken. what did i say Someone complained that the men’s room is whites only, Stanley you know that’s not true I didn’t say that Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door? I already won the lottery. I was born in the U S of A, baby. And as backup I have a Swiss passport Does it hurt terribly? No, it’s not too bad. They had me on a lot of painkillers. Oh really what kind? Codeine? Vicodin? Percocet? Fentanyl? Oxycontin? Palladone I have no idea. *sigh of disgrace* Hey, Creed. Creed: Heyyyyyy, -Kid: What’s up Creed? Creed: What’re you guys up to? Ahhh, hellloooo -Kid: You’re the man, buddy. I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the Sheriff’s station I understand that’s confusing Hey, brah, I’ve been meaning to ask you, Can we get some Red Bulls for these things? Sometimes a guy’s gotta ride the bull. amirite?? Later, skater. Look at where you’re going to be doing the cartwheel, so look where you’re going to be placing your hands. So pick a spot Creed: Mmhmm Michael: You’re ready to do this? Creed: Yes, sir. You know what? I’m gonna stay here as long as it takes Creed: I really appreciate that. Michael: Imma spot ya, imma spot you Michael: Go. I did it! You did? The perfect cartwheel. Okay, good. What a rush, that’s all I had to do all year. Congratulations. (creed’s face is gold right here) Well, alright see you tomorrow. Oh my god. I find it offensive. All natural, baby. That’s how I like ’em. Swing low, sweet Chariots. Kevin: Look at that. She’s totally flirting with him. Mmm, you don’t know that. Some people can’t help losing sexuality You ever noticed you can only lose two things? sexuality and pus. Man I tell ya. It’s a beautiful morning at Dunder-Mifflin. As I like to call it: Great Bratton. Keep it running. “Do I love being manager?” I love my kids, I love real estate, I love ceramics, I love my job, I love wrestling, Find out what language this is. wEsFLdLEE sBrrBd cLWsf NrR mSTw eEEeEmR. IIsT sTRr bObBsKaA. (german?) Nobody’s does this when Creed Bratton gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? *whispering* Creed Bratton I didn’t realize that everybody here dresses up every year. Me neither. It’s Halloween That is really really good timing. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct “old man smell?” I know exactly what he’s talking about. I sprouted mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death. Can you tell us what happened? Um, I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions, And, he was holding a map, and when I walked over, He had, IT out *whispering* on the map. Phyllis, you’re a married woman. The guy was just hanging brain, I mean what’s all the fuss? If that’s flashing then lock me up. The Taliban is the worst. Great heroin, though. Cool beans, man. I live by the quarry. We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there! Okay, team building. On this side of the room: Stanley, Phyllis, Jim, Ted, Elroy. And this side of the room: Pam, Meredith, Phyllis, Creed– He never called a meeting Everybody, this is Creed, and he is in charge of… Michael: something Creed: That is correct. Michael: Say hi to the kids. Creed: Hi kids. Michael: Yayyyy….. Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?? *kids going eww except for the one Chad running for a closer look* Stop it! Just no, no no, would you cut it out?! Bobody! Bo-BODY, what does the first B stand for? What are we doing? We’re making acronyms! Okay, what does the first B stand for? Kevin: uhm, BIZNISSZ Iiiii LIKEit BIZNIS! Good, Kevin. Alright, the O, We need a new manager. What are you doing in here? This is the woman’s room. You’re in here I pay for that privilege *yelling* IM A PRETTY NORMAL GUY, I DO ONE WEIRD THING, I LIKE TO GO IN THE WOMAN’S ROOM FOR NUMBER TWO. IVE BEEN CAUGHT SEVERAL TIMES, & I H A V E P A I D D E A R L Y. I remember it was very late at night, like 11:00, 11:30 Big fella comes in screaming about God knows what, I think maybe Halpbert had stolen his car, something like that So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hair spray and a lighter, You’re useless. Why do we as a society, hate old people so much? Because they’re lame. No! Creed, no, they are not! Jim. -Oh, cool. That’s from me. Great! Where’d you get it? I don’t know, it was so long ago. He obviously forgot to get me something. And then he went to his closet and dug out this little number Then threw in the bag. *no shame* Yep, that’s exactly what happened. Sorry I’m late boss, what’s going on? *in a retarded accent* Sir! There has been a murder, and you are suspect. Oh , okay. Hang on just a sec, lemme just settle in, and I’ll be right back. Very good! Very good. Now, no one was there, in the wine cellar, You know what, don’t even worry about it, everyone was so drunk, no one even remembers what you said. I remember. I blogged the whole thing. www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts Check it out. Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I’ve read some of it. Even for the internet, it’s pretty shocking.

Written by Raul Dinwiddie

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